Families of those with learning disabilities, cognitive difficulties, brain injury and Autistic spectrum disorders seem to encounter more stress than others. This often comes from having different family dynamics, but it also comes in the form of social stress. Symptoms of any disorder can upset the entire family, which can turn the home, typically a secure and comfortable place, into a cycle of frustration and stress. It is important not to think that you are alone in having to deal with family stress; millions of others are in the same situation. It's the ability to handle stress rather than suppress it that is important.

We feel it is important to be involved with a local support group. In Brevard County Florida, we recommend the B-focasd Parent Support group with a world wide web address of www.bfocasd.com

We also carry some tools that help family members deal with the stress that just naturally seems to build.

< Click on this banner for the new and improved Kit! by Stress Free ADHD. On Sale now $Save$ $100 Off. Use coupon code IH002

For Family dynamics we highly recommend our line of cooperative games to strengthen the family unit.

We believe that family time should be spent playing together not against each other in most competitive games. We have found games that foster a spirit of cooperation by letting you all work toward a common goal. After all even the youngest player should be able to play side by side, each making their best contribution. The initial impulse to play a game is social; that is, why we bring out a game- because we want t to do something together. Playing co-operatively, you will see how encouraging replaces pushing and how ability and strength are used to help rather than push others out of the way. We can strengthen your family bonds and increase social skills at the same time.

There is an article on the Benefits of Cooperation. It is difficult to build your family unit with games for family time when competitive games sometimes leave one player feeling picked on or in tears. They do more to divide your family rather than build your family. It is hard to maintain positive feelings about someone who is trying to make you lose. Hurt feelings and arguments often result from competitive play. In a co-operative game, someone young and little can play with others older and bigger and not worry about being wiped out. We are all there at the end of it-together.

For personal or disciplinary time outs we recommend our therapeutic music and/or exercise:

When a family member has escalated to the point that there is no logical way of dealing with things it is often advantageous to remove them or yourself from the situation. Music can be a powerful intervention. Instead of just having a distraught child struggling to calm themselves in a timeout, add some music to the environment to assist them. It will help you calm down as well.

Another way to deal with stress is exercise. Research shows that frustration can turn off the supply of dopamine (a brain chemical that helps with self control and concentration) to the brain. Exercise can turn it back on. Any form of exercise is healthy and therapeutic for all individual wanting optimal performance from their brain. So if a person wants to "walk it off" or go for a jog to clear their mind, encourage them to do so. It actually balances the brain chemicals.

An article about the benefits of light and sound may also be interesting to you, because a more intense calming can be produced by light and sound machines.

Nutrition is important. If you aren't eating properly, it can affect your ability to respond to stress. Supplementing your healthy diet will help in reducing the feelings of being overwhelmed by external stimulation/ provocation. We have a two supplements to help stress. The first is Vaxa's Extress on our Supplements Page. It has nutritional benefits for the immediate situation as well as replenishing the essential nutrients burned up by the body during times of stress.

Create a peaceful home environment. Study the effect of colors and scents so you can make an impact on your homelife with them. Water fountains and ionizers often help. Wall murals that feature such soothing subjects as "Oriental Garden," "Lake in the Woods," "Daydreaming," and "Dolphins Paradise." Playing therapeutic music for homework and meal times often enhances the environment making these events less stressful.

Keeping a positive attitude is a must in reducing stress. Prepare a file of things that are helpful to read in times of frustration. A renown author for inspirational articles on stress reduction is Alaine Benard-
She is an inspiration to many!!!!!
She has personally selected some of her articles for this page. I attached them to the end of this page.

Another healthy way to deal with stress is exercise regularly. Many of us have busy schedules but research shows that frustration can turn off the supply of dopamine to the brain. Exercise can turn it back on. The ironic thing about exercise is that it is free. Any form of exercise is healthy and therapeutic for all individual wanting optimal performance from their brain.

According to Dr. Ratey, co-author of Driven to Distraction and Shadow Syndromes, the chemistry of the brain can be affected after just 10 minutes of intense exercise--something equivalent to a sprint around the block, jumping rope, or doing several sets of push-ups. A little can go a long way when it comes to exercise and the benefits for your brain! This is good news for individuals who have difficulty fitting exercise into their schedules or for those who have trouble taking medication. The natural release of these chemicals can be especially beneficial for the many patients who do not respond readily to medications. Some studies suggest that a brisk walk is just as effective as taking medication for some patients. While exercise may aide in the treatment of symptoms accompanying AD/HD, depression, and various other disorders, it may not be a replacement for medication for all people.

Regular aerobic exercise increases the cerebral blood follow, which has many beneficial effects. The brain eventually gets more blood vessels growing to increase the demand for more blood and thus develops collateral circulation much like the exercised heart does to protect against a heart attack. But aerobic activity is not the only beneficial form of exercise. Studies show that even non-aerobic forms of exercise such as weight training are equally effective in treating depression. Research further suggests that even leisure physical activity helps to buffer the effects of stress and anxiety. Furthermore, some forms of exercise may actually be a key component for mental clarity. Dr. Ratey suggests that this may be especially true of specialized forms of exercise requiring coordination and concentration. For this reason, those trained in kickboxing, martial arts, or rock-climbing may experience greater mental clarity and concentration as the result of these increased connections.

Please feel free to email us your tips for reducing stress Holly@incrediblehorizons.com

For support in parenting see the following page:
NCLD Parent links Note: We do not necessarily agree with all the information posted on other sites about ADD/ADHD. Some sites are financially supported by pharmaceutical companies and therefore present biased information about treatments

For more info on healthy- drug free programs for successful living click on a link below

Alaine Benard ©

Two of the things our families need most are; stress reduction and family bonding time. Camping in the great outdoors offers both in abundance.

The stress ADHD children and adults go through ‘holding themselves in check’ all day takes a toll. Children sitting rigidly in the classroom seat, trying to concentrate on multi-directive, often boring lessons, suffer the same tension as adults maintaining jobs not suited for their energy or creative levels. By week’s end, their bodies are depleted of the necessary chemicals to combat the mounting pressures and frustrations.

So, pack up the tent, the gear and head for the nearest campground! Leave all worries, work and other battles behind in the city. There is no better (or more inexpensive) way to blow the stresses away than getting back to nature. Your closest State Park has many camping options at cost efficient prices. Primitive tent camping or fully stocked cabins are available to suit every level of adventure and comfort.

Camping offers families relaxation in breath-taking surroundings as well as the glories of hiking trails, biking, fishing and other adventures. Getting back in touch with nature will get everyone grounded and away from the harried life we lead running from activity to activity. Worries just seem to melt away.

Cooking on an open fire or pit will be something everyone will have fun doing. Let each family member plan, shop and cook a meal. No fast foods or pizza—just good old meat and veggie menus. There’s no better self-esteem booster than providing a meal for loved ones with your own skill and ingenuity. Let the kids experiment, create and enjoy! Messes and following directions perfectly are not what is important. See it is an opportunity for ADHD child to feel pride and victory!

Pack healthy snacks; fruit, trail mix, nuts and plenty of purified water. You’ll be amazed at how great you will feel after a day of exercise, fresh air and sunlight. Not only will your family sleep better and deeper, but also your spirit and mind will be totally rejuvenated and re-energized.

Include simple, old-fashioned fun like collecting shells, pinecones and other gifts of nature to bond the stressed family. Friendly competitions are also recommended. Try horseshoes, bird watching, fishing, Frisbee, and rock skipping to add laughter and memories. End the day of family fun by swapping ghost stories around a roaring campfire while popping popcorn over the glowing coals. Check out the constellations overhead. Remember to appreciate all your family enjoyed each day.

Still not convinced of the fabulous benefits of the great outdoors? The following scientific findings will have you rolling up your sleeping bags and heading for the nearest campsite.

Being indoors the majority of the time, blocks the benefit of sunlight causing reduced melatonin, a hormone derived from serotonin that plays a role in sleep, aging, and reproduction in mammals. Stress reduces the body’s serotonin (a neurotransmitter involved in sleep, depression, and memory processes) as well as uses up ones reserve of vitamins and minerals.

Besides being tastier, healthy camp meals contrasts sharply with ‘city living’ diets. Processed foods are full of preservatives and dyes, empty calories and other damaging components. Fatty acid imbalances are a direct result from eating ‘junk’ foods in over-abundance. Some studies are pointing the finger at modern diets for the resulting rise in chemical sensitivities—a condition our ADHD children do not need added to their plates.

Lack of exercise decreases serotonin and dopamine (a brain chemical some researchers say those with ADHD are lacking in). It also inhibits deep and restful sleep in a large majority of the population, especially school-age children with attention deficit hyper disorder.

Another dopamine reducing situation occurs when one is confined to boring, non-stimulating environments. Busting loose in nature will combat the loss of this important part of everyone’s chemical makeup.

Why does the air smell so much cleaner and fresher when we are out-of-doors? The locations chosen for campsites and parks are far removed from the pollution and toxin-filled environments. Another reason people noticeably breath deeper in nature settings is because the air found in office buildings, schools, and other enclosed spaces is comprised of de-ionized oxygen. Our bodies can’t wait to suck up the sweet, vibrant air and benefit from its goodness.

Robert Rafferty’s book, America's 100 Best-Loved State Parks: A Complete Guide to Some of the Country's Most Scenic and Affordable Outdoor Vacations, will help provide many hours of family fun with all the possibilities it offers.

If you are a novice or first time adventurer, Basic Essentials: Camping, Second Edition, by Cliff Jacobson, has the tips and information you’ll need for a positive camping experience. It is one of the most popular camping books available. Jacobson’s companion book, Cooking in the Outdoors, is also recommended.

So the next time stress and city living begin to make your family feel pinned in, spend some time in the great outdoors. Open the cage door and let yourselves fly free! The health and mental benefits will make you glad you did. You’ll start a family tradition that is hard to beat in the years to come.

Chilling Out with ADHD

No-Sweat Summer Strategies

Alaine Benard © 2003

Does the thought of three months with no school make you break into a sweat? It doesn’t have to. With a good plan of action, Summer can be a pleasant experience for the whole family, especially those with ADHD.

Lack of routine is notorious for causing chaos for ADHD’ers. Children told to,

“Go play” with no guidelines or limits will either go out and find trouble, or return in 17 minutes saying, “I’m bored!” Having no structure breeds dissatisfaction, conflict, and stress. ADHD’ers thrive when given clear-cut goals, expectations and tasks. Before summer vacation begins, spend time coming up with an organized routine so that the months will be successful and fun.

Construct a daily plan for your family. Be sure to include the following five goals to achieve optimal rewards. Don’t sweat the small details by trying to nail down every minute. Unrealistic over-scheduling will be just as stressful as no plan at all. Keep your plan reasonable and do include small blocks of free time for family members to do as they choose.

Strengthen Family Bonds~

Make family time an integral part of your plan. Classic movies, old-fashioned games, and simply cooking together is fun, as well as relaxing. Let each member suggest ways to spend time together.

Have bi-weekly a family round table. Discuss things like dreams and what-do-you-want-to-be-when-you-grow-up type questions. “What would you do if you found a million dollars?” is a great topic. The kids will be excited and it’s also a good chance to bring in morals and ethics lesson.

If possible, schedule these activities during the heat of the day, conserving energy and avoiding too much sun, which puts a real drain on high metabolisms.

Expanding Experiences~

June, July, and August are the perfect time to introduce ADHD’ers to new experiences. There’s less pressure from school peers and personnel, and this frees them up to try something different. Leisure classes, library club, art, sports camp, gardening, music lessons, and summer camp are options that will offer your child a chance to excel and to broaden their self-image.

Offering a new experience may yield great benefits. Kids with ADHD are often reluctant to try something unfamiliar. A less threatening, non-competitive activity may find them joining a sports team or new group next school year after having a successful summer trial.

Increase Social Skills~

Another plus to following your plan will be increased social skills and interactions for your child. Often a new environment will lift and a negative label or past reputation and allow them to feel like they have a chance to ‘start over’. This freedom will spur them to put their best foot forward and to see and live with nicer results, teaching them the power of change and turning over a new leaf. You will be amazed at how far these new positive feelings will carry them into the upcoming year.

Encourage your child to learn the art of thank you letter writing. A manners class for young gentlemen and ladies would be an ideal group to join. Some local colleges offer summer leisure classes to increase social skills. Morals and ethics, the art of speaking, learning to debate positively, and role modeling are a few of the better ones.

Younger ADHD’ers are quite adept at role-playing. Take on the ‘bad manners’ friend and let your child be the ‘good manners’ friend. Driving errand time is an excellent chance to play the friends game.

Teens with ADHD make excellent junior camp counselors. They thrive with the responsibility and the trust they’ve been shown. They usually work well with younger children and are so energetic and creative that they become the favorite leader in a very short time. Earning a salary and helping adults makes their self-esteem soar.

Academic Opportunities~

Do include time for daily reading and academic remediation. An hour a day spent with a good book, math maze puzzle, or science computer game provides an excellent opportunity to prepare for the upcoming school year. Don’t forget to use any summer reading requirements your student may have.

Noon and bedtime are the optimal slots for this type of activity. They provide fun and learning when it’s too hot to go out. These quiet, calm, relaxing activities are excellent to begin the nighttime routine.

Rejuvenate and Recharge~

Take time to recharge your family’s batteries. Organize breezy evening walks, campouts in the wilderness, and looking at old family albums.

If possible, include a daily nap or rest period during your summer days. Provide music, scented candles, and other sensory goodies to help set the mood.

For the nap-resistant child, offer a special earned treat or token each time they’re able to ‘rest’ for the nap period. Explain that they don’t have to sleep, but should rest for 30 minutes. Many young ADHD’ers will fall asleep when they’ve assured themselves they aren’t going to miss the action. It’s easier for them to allow themselves to ‘rest’ when they feel in control.

If a vacation trip is planned, be sure to modify your existing plan accordingly. Adjust your schedule to include sightseeing, swimming and other activities available at your destination. Most importantly, look at the need for extra rest periods, bedtime routines, and regular, healthy meals. Ignoring any of these three important areas could ruin your long awaited trip by bringing out irritability and moodiness. A well thought out travel kit will not only add enjoyment, but will keep your children with ADHD busy. Games, music, and snacks will ensure that “Are we there yet!?” won’t be the only topic of conversation you hear while traveling.

Your summer strategies can help you stay calm, cool and collected. Stick to your schedule as much as possible, but don’t stress out when you hit a bump in the road. After all, you won’t be receiving a report card on how well you did. Be proud of the fun memories you’ve given your family, their increased self-esteem, and the knowledge that they are better prepared to start the new school year.

Don’t forget to take time for yourself and your mate. Plan a weekly date night for the two of you. Those running Camp-Chill-at-Home need to schedule plenty of alone time for themselves, too.

If you have a bad day every once in awhile, don’t fret; just remember what columnist Deb Flynt said, “The big yellow aspirin comes at the end of every long summer!”

Alaine Benard (C)

Sticks and Stones

Alaine Benard © 2003

“I praise loudly. I blame softly.”

--Catherine the Great

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. True. But I’m a well-adjusted, mature adult with strong self-esteem. What about children? Words can and do hurt them. They can cause wounds that are deeper and longer lasting than the physical harm done with rocks and sticks.

A child with ADHD’s daily quotient of criticism heard normally outweighs compliments received. As parents, we have an obligation to guide our children toward positive futures. It isn’t our job to shield them from the negative comments they are likely to hear, but to reinforce and promote their better selves.

There are many techniques we can employ that will encourage ADHD’ers to be the best they can be. First, make sure your discipline program and boundaries are strictly in place. It is extremely important not to undermine your child’s progress toward maturity by allowing them too many privileges and not enough expectations of good behavior. Children should be held to high standards, taught manners, and instilled with a strong work ethic. Treatment without behavior modification will yield poorer results and increase the odds of producing a spoiled, unlikable child. Guard against warranted negative remarks with a strong discipline plan for your son or daughter—one with a balance of consequences and rewards. Do not allow ADHD to become a crutch or excuse for incorrigible behavior.

Give yourself permission to be your child’s advocate. If he or she is being bullied, picked on, or treated unfairly (by peers or adults) then step in. When advocating for your child’s social or academic rights, do so calmly and unemotionally. Teach him or her to stand up for fair treatment in a respectful, controlled manner. If they are not able to resolve a conflict satisfactorily, be prepared to intervene. Follow up by asking your child how they will handle the same situation in the future. Role-playing will help teach them self-advocacy skills. Assertiveness, not aggressiveness, should be the lesson taught.

Say a family member continues to call your son “stupid”, “wild”, or some other derogatory name. What do you do? Encourage your child to privately explain that name-calling is not necessary. Your child could offer suggestions on how the offenders could signal them in on social cues they could be missing; “Grandpa, when you call me stupid, it makes me think you don’t like me. If I’m getting too wound up, could you whisper, ‘Time to chill, Colton’ in my ear? That would help me a lot!” If he ignores Colton’s request, then you will need to talk to Grandpa kindly, but firmly, in private.

Suppose Ms. Lark, your daughter’s teacher, insists on using privilege deprivation as her only discipline method. Coach Skye on how to offer Ms. Lark a workable compromise; “Ms. Lark, I know I was out of my seat today, and that disturbs you, but instead of having recess taken away, can I erase the boards and do the erasers after school?” If Skye’s suggestion is turned down, then schedule a conference. Give Ms. Lark and chance to explain her observations, address her concerns, offer reassurance, and them ask her what the goal of her punishment system is. If her answer is not, “To correct negative behaviors,” then remind her that changing behaviors should be the goal. Share your notes on how many recesses Skye has been deprived of and the correlation between the continued unwanted behavior. Point out that recess deprivation will normally have a boomerang effect on ADHD’ers, as they are not allowed the important opportunity of releasing pent-up energy from long hours of confinement. Suggest other methods to try correcting Skye’s disruptiveness, such as the ones that work effectively at home.

Also, thank Ms. Lark for her willingness to partner with you to increase your child’s successes and for considering implementing strategies that will benefit all parties. Assure your child’s teacher that you are aware of the stresses and pressures educators face. Make yourself available for any volunteer help needed in the classroom. Remind your teachers that helpfulness and the desire to run errands are two of the many positive qualities our ADHD’ers possess, and to be sure to call on them whenever possible. Many of these students are gifted and talented and make wonderful peer tutors and mentors. This might be an option you offer teachers to help keep your child busy and productive. The experience of feeling valued accomplishes much more than missing recess ever will.

Once your child realizes that you are on his side, it’s time for the most important part of parenting a child with ADHD. Compliment, praise, compliment…. and then praise some more.

At times it will be a challenge to find something positive to compliment them on. Look hard and know that the smallest accolade does matter. A sincere, “Wow, Hunter, I really like the way you’ve been leaving your muddy shoes outside.” will give Hunter a warm feeling. It should also help remind him that crusty shoes don’t come indoors.

Be on the lookout for praise opportunities in the more important arenas. If Tyler has started TaeKwonDo lessons, or Hayley joins Girl Scouts, let them know you are proud and impressed. ADHD’ers often have a hard time trying something new and unfamiliar, but your words should boost their self-esteem and effort levels.

Many children with ADHD have a huge social skill deficit. Reinforce every action you see that is praiseworthy by remarking on it. “I heard that guy call you a freak just now. Last year you would have come unglued. Just now you effectively shut him down by saying, “Whatever”. Good for you!” “I’m very impressed with the way you handled yourself at school today. When the teacher told you to stop the horseplay. You did exactly what you were told without having to point out that it wasn’t fair because so-and-so were playing around, too.”

Make opportunities to neutralize negative commentary you overhear. When the parent sitting next to you in the bleachers comments on how hyper your son is, agree and say that his energy level is indeed enviable--Coach Brown always compliments him on keeping the team fired up and motivated. When possible, turn the table on outspoken people by pointing out a positive attribute of ADHD.

Lastly, teach your children the small but important things that boost others’ perception of them, and the way they view themselves. Introduce your ADHD’er to the art of thank-you letter writing and phone calling. Work on sacrificing for others, good works, and having an optimistic outlook. Teach them to see and compliment the good in others.

It’s not the violence of sticks and stones that teach children that they are “bad”. It is the overabundance of hurtful words they hear that will convince them they are unworthy, unlovable, no good failures. It falls to parents to provide them with the peaceful weapons of success, which should render harmless the nastiest tongue in the land. A great self-image, discipline, on-target social skills, accountability, and a helpful, positive attitude will annihilate the verbal weapons of others.

Praise loudly, criticize helpfully, love unconditionally and no verbal stick or stone will have the power to hurt your child irreparably.

Alaine Benard (C)

After the Diagnosis: Emotional Groundwork

Alaine Benard (C)

Over 6 million children have ADHD. It affects more than 5% of all children with the ratio of 3-1, boys to girls. Recent statistics show that over 50% of child psychologists’ current patients are seeking therapy for ADD/ADHD. At least one child in every class needs help for the disorder. As the numbers increase, so do the odds that one of the newly diagnosed will be your child, grandchild, student or member of your sports team. More than likely, the school suggested testing your child and their suspicions (maybe your own, as well) were confirmed. So, where do you go from here?

Parents, before formulating a plan of action, you must take time to deal with the inevitable emotional roller coaster the diagnosis brings. Identifying, then coming to grips with your feelings will make you stronger and wiser. Working through the feelings will bolster your confidence in choosing the best treatment options for your child

Avoiding head-on confrontation with your emotions causes weaker decision-making based on sentiments of anger, guilt, and/or relief. Investigate your fears and thoughts. Work through them before tackling your child’s. If you are panicked, it doesn’t make sense to jump into the water to save your son or daughter. Keep things in perspective, slow down and gather all the information you can. Do not project your own worries and negative feelings onto your child. This will create a wave of destruction for the entire family. It will also set the tone for how your child perceives himself. Know that you are in control and believe it. Your strength will assuage his/her own fears. Keep a journal of your feelings and experiences to help clarify your thinking. This will lead to better actions.

Years after my son’s diagnosis, I came across Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ book on the 5 stages of grief. She discusses what we go through when a loved one is dying. I wish I had found it beforehand. It would have given me some guidance on the unfamiliar feelings I was experiencing. Instead, I felt my way blindly from one phase to the next, not realizing those emotions were normal and acceptable. Parents suffer similar pains when our children are diagnosed with any disease or disorder.

Although we are not facing an actual death situation, to a small extent we go through the same phases. Because a part of our dreams are dying; we grieve. The hopes and aspirations—the “way we always pictured how life would be,” are crushed. When we envision our future child, we see them a certain way, this does not include them having a disorder, a handicap, or challenges to cope with. We dream of the white picket fenced home, and loading up the van for ballgames and dance recitals. We ‘see’ family nights spent celebrating school awards and honor roll grades over ice cream cones. We do not dream of calls from the principal’s office, complaining neighbors or having a child that doesn’t always “fit in.”

Allow yourself time for the emotional stages you will pass through and know there is light at the end of the tunnel. Tell yourself, “Ok, my expected dream is gone. Let me mourn its passing then I will put it to rest. Now, let’s reevaluate, check options and envision a fresh, new minds-eye picture painted with positive successes!”

An important thing to remember is not to give in to the pressures you may experience. Do not let the school, the neurologist, or your family/friends tell you what you should do. This is your child and your family. The decisions need to be made when YOU are completely ready. The choice of putting your child on medication will be the overriding topic of advice from these well-meaning folks. No one has your instincts or knows your child like you do. Tell all the helpful advisors that you are gathering information from your professional team. Assure them that you will take action when a plan has been agreed upon. If your doctor does not have your 100% confidence, get a second opinion, especially if he/she suggests a prescription after spending 15 minutes talking with you or your child. Value your own opinion.

Knowledge is power so build up your confidence muscles with great literature on ADHD. The following are suggested to help you make informed decisions. Driven to Distraction, by Hallowell and Ratey, M.D.’s, is a classic, well-recommended choice. It dispels a variety of myths and also reviews the advantages of having ADHD.

Any book written by author and authority of the disorder, Thom Hartman, should be on your reading list. Thom Hartmann’s Complete Guide to ADHD: Help for Your Family, at Home, School, and Work, September 2000, is a great one to start with. In this volume, the acknowledged pioneer in research combines the best of his previous books with important new information.

Straight Talk about Psychiatric Medications for Kids: From a Leading Authority, an Essential Guide, by T. Wilens, M.D., Jan. 1999. This essential book provides the up-to-date information that will enable you to fully understand what your doctor is recommending and what your options are.

Another notable expert and author is Sandra Reif, M.A. Her books are available in Spanish as well as video format.

Supplement your growing knowledge by seeking support. Look into finding a small, community-based group so that you will be with other parents sharing the same concerns. Family parenting centers, mental health groups, and local hospitals will be able to help you locate support. C.H.A.D.D. is the largest national ADD/ADHD organization and has a group chapter in major cities. An added benefit to joining is the networking and reference sharing.

For those of us who need constant support and like quick response, I strongly suggest becoming involved with an online group that offers message forums and cutting edge information. After two years of surfing the Web, www.adhd.com is where I invest my time. It has become my one-stop community. ADDitude Magazine is an excellent reading choice. It focuses on positive role models and covers great feature articles.

Repainting that picture of “how life was supposed to be” came easily, once I had my tools together. The feeling of hopelessness--of having my wings clipped gradually disappeared. The more I came to terms with ADHD, the more sure I become in my flight. I’ve learned how to fly above the storms, not through them. My mission is to teach my son the same thing.

~The Five Stages of Grief~

~Denial: The first stage; a phase that permits one to develop other defenses.

~ Anger: The “Why me? Why my child?” phase. Blame and anger directed towards teacher, doctor and/or God is often present.

~Bargaining: A period of temporary, usually subconscious, truce where we “make deals”.

~Depression: One finally says, “Yes, me” with the courage to admit what is happening; this acknowledgement brings depression. ~Acceptance: A time of facing “death” calmly. The time to let go and make realistic plans for the future.

Alaine Benard (C)

ADHD Doesn’t Have to Mean Unlovable

Annoys others. Can’t sit still. Impulsive. Blurts out and constantly. Has trouble in social settings. Didn’t complete job supervisor gave him. Argumentative. Easily frustrated and causes trouble. Works unsafely and is not dependable on the jobsite. Stays out past curfew. Disorganized and off-task. These are some of the comments heard from teachers or bosses when discussing family members with ADHD. Conversations such as this cause a myriad of negative emotions in the caregiver.

Unconditional love. Learning to be the perfect caregiver. Do it all for love. Sacrifice—the key to perfect relationships. With enough willpower and effort, we can all be surrounded by the happy, loving family members seen in the minds’ eye. These are the phrases that are instilled in our subconscious. They become goals, which in turn become unrealistic expectations. In the end, the original optimistic dreams can be replaced by cancerous feelings of anger, disappointment, depression, or bitterness.

Realistically, caregiving to the individual with ADHD is an extremely challenging job. Sometimes the best efforts make no impact on their behavior. Inordinate amounts of love, advocacy, and hands-on guidance appear to do little to counteract the undesirable symptoms at certain times. The constancy of complaints from others, interactions filled with battles, tears, hurtful words, and thoughtless actions, grind down the strongest of resolves. Rewards can be few and far between for the caregiver, adding to the sense of hopelessness.

You don’t have throw in the towel and run away from your family—and the misery you find yourself in. Using the following proactive techniques will help even the most ‘unlovable’, once again become the recipients of your loving feelings.

Distinguish and separate your expectations~ Make a list of what you expect from your ADHD family member(s). Next, list what you think others expect from your ADHD’er and of you, as caregiver. Discuss the items with the people you’ve assigned them to. Readjust your lists according to what each individual truly expects. Now the hardest part; take a truthful look at what you expect from yourself. Many times, it is the caregivers’ expectations of themselves that need the most work and self-correction. It is quite normal to think others are judging our loved one when actually it is coming from within.

Acknowledge your emotions and hurts~ Allow yourself the feelings of disappointment, anger, or disapproval when your ADHD’er’s behavior warrants. Do not allow guilt or misguided loyalty to persuade you that negative actions must be accepted and cannot be improved. Spoken or silent excuses (“He can’t help it, he has ADHD.”) only exacerbate issues and send the message that you’re willing to allow them to continue. If your spouse puts your family at risk, or your child behaves inappropriately, address the action and how it impacts you, other family members, or workmates. Make your point calmly while stating your opinion and observations. Listen carefully to the rebuttals and then restate your case, making sure each person is accountable for their actions.

Develop and implement an accountability roundtable~ Agree upon workable goals that will eliminate unwanted situations. Include any positive compliment or example you would like repeated, ask for resolutions, and then take the steps towards forgiving the offender. Institute a weekly family roundtable to check progress even when there are no problems looming. This healthy habit forms deeper bonds, open communications, and a chance to share positive experiences, as well as resolve the not so pleasant.

Separate symptoms from irresponsibility~ Misinformation will cause caregivers to unwittingly promote negative behaviors. If one believes ADHD’ers have no control whatsoever over their actions, then they are setting themselves up to live in chaos. Attend lectures, seek support, and read recommended books about ADHD. Ask your professional medical team for suggested resources. Form your own network with people who are educated and in-the-know. Some ADHD symptoms do cause the sufferer to act out in less than desirable ways. However, with work, consistency, and discipline, many of them can be diminished and overcome if the caregiver has his sights fixed on success. Don’t handicap the ADHD’er (or yourself) by supplying excuses when accountability is called for.

Relighting the unconditional love candle~ Stop further erosion of your relationship by ignoring conversations that disparage your family member. Excuse yourself when others talk negatively. Irreconcilable differences and hurts can be avoided when caregivers prepare themselves properly. By facing reality and making strict, orderly plans; a sense of control should prevail. Before falling into the pit of powerlessness and hopelessness, ignite your inner love candle that’s been gutted. Take some time looking over their baby pictures and remember special moments. Pull out old love letters, poems, and photo albums from happy times. Recall all the wonderful qualities you first fell in love with. Hold the Christening gown in your hands and remember holding your tiny, trusting newborn. Watch the face of your sleeping loved one and send them a silent blessing. Get in touch with the love, caring, and tenderness you once felt for your ADHD’er. Look around your world and think of how empty it would be without their daily presence.

Take care of the Caregiver~ It is absolutely mandatory that the caregiver recognizes and provide for their mental health and emotions. Without some personal time away and some pampering, caregivers will experience burnout. Once this happens, even small problems become overwhelming and disproportionately stressful. It is in everyone’s best interest that you take time off. Banish guilt and make it a top priority to treat yourself on a regular weekly schedule. You don’t neglect your loved ones, so why neglect yourself? Recharging your personal batteries enables you to continue giving so much to the ones you love.